I am quite scared now that I have been. I don't know it sometimes put you on a level wherein you cannot possibly believe that it is truly happening. I thought it wouldn't ever happen but here it is and my husband truly happy about it. I have been thinking, it seems we have been blessed by more than a material thing or anything money could ever buy. Yesterday was the 1st day I have known, did 3 tests already all came with the same outcome..Now I am reading things about the process and what should I do. She isn't talking to me about it probably the idea hasn't sink in yet, but I am hoping she will be with me until the end, I am scared not only of what I have to do but what will happen. I have to really watch out of what I eat now, no sweets or soda, no hamburgers, not too much rice..but a lot of fruits and veg..and milk...argghhh all the food I never used to it...anyways, even if I am scared it is just because it's the first phase but sooner or later and as of now, I am truly happy, blessed and very excited...

Do you even hear the sound of my heart beating?never...I don't know but these two words kept on bugging my mind..Probably it's something I want to say sometimes especially when I am very annoyed...oh well, sometimes I just can't get it over with..At night before going to bed, I wish it'll go away..my feelings, my emotions..

2nd week of being home alone..It isn't as bad as I thought it was..it is just that I have to live without vegetables..don't know what to cook here in this house.

I didn't get the IT job in the hospital..Sometimes I think it's not me anymore...It's the timing and all...and the people they want..is it because I don't have this English accent???keeps on bugging me now..

OPD sister gave me a year's contract for band 2 salary because I am already doing full time in there..At first I hesitated..And yet, I said I needed the job and the money for now...It isn't really what I want..

Checking the universities here around..I don't know if I will be able to afford it..But I would really love to have my master's degree...I better think about it..

As i am writing this journal, I gave a big sigh that it why oh well was the title..I had a good night sleep. I receied sms messages about R's departure and hope all will be well. I hope that my sis and her kids will be alright. And the next time they go to the airport, hopefully it'll be my hubby the next.

On Monday at 1130am I will be having an interview on the IT department for the IT tech job. I was really nervous yesterday, but as I went to work it took my mind off to it. It doesn't matter if I don't get the job atleast I still have the one in the hospital. I'll just tell them what I know and what experiences I got in the call center. It is just that I think they are looking for high calibre It Tech person. I just don't want to think about it. I wasnt on th IT department in any company back home but I wish I can have this one in the hospital. It'll be very convenient if I work in the NHS. There is high hopes but I know I'll be having a hard time answering all the questions. May God be with me.

As of now, I am still await for J's visa..I don't know why it's taking a long time. it's almost a month on Monday..But I know all good things will happen on Monday..

Oh well, better get going for work. BTW I have a new Sony Vaio laptop. It's good but I have to pay 100 for it every month, better yet after I paid jay's visa, it'll be better if I pay 200 every month for it, so no interest for 6 months. I bought it in John Lewis with the help of Uncle J. It's good, under a Vista platform, i love it at first, but I am thinking of expenses, I am broke got no savings for this month. Oh well, that's life...

N told me about the hardships you're going through and why you were crying. I am really worried about you, if only I can do something just to help you out, I would. It as if all the problems had came out all at the same time.I know you can do it, I can't say anything just to ease how you're feeling but I am praying for you, I know you're strong. You will surpass all those hardships at the end of the day it will be alright. When r leaves, it's all part of life's trials, and all you have to do is just to be with your children, I know j will help you in all the things, he's also affected because he knows you're sad, I know TB will help you out as well. I am sad as well, I understand how you feel, don't forget I am always here for you, no matter what. Someday, your life will get better and I love you and the kids with all my heart. I am always praying for you everyday, and someday we'll all be together in this place.take care.

                                                                          ----ATE--------

This is the new song the I am not tired of hearing over and over again, though it was my first time to hear it yesterday, i liked it right away..anyways, nothing much to do but relax today cause it's my dayoff, basically all I ever did was be on the internet all day, but I am thinking of reading another book, I'm gonna try Marian Keyes this time, let us see what she got.

Right now, I havent talked to hubby, he's somewhere, though there is a part of me that is saying not to trust him or basically I don't really trust men, especially saying where they really are or what they're doing..I wish I change and learn just to trust him. He didn't text me after 9pm..Oh well..men...

These past few days I had been very depressed for things like the 3rd job I applied for didn't answer again. I am losing hope or better yet I just don't want to keep on trying because I know it's not gonna lead anywhere...I know whatever is happening has got a purpose and my motto in life which I got from one series of Charmed..."ALL IN GOOD TIME, all in good time..."

Anyways, I was just browsing some multiply users who has got good photography on their site..I wish I had the same talent and the same passion. But until now, I remained the same, always wanting to do everything never concentrating on one, that's why I end with up nothing...Oh well, that's me...I sometimes get tired of trying very hard...These are just one of the days...

I don't know if my old english grammar worked, anyways, I was just being artistic..but this is just one of those days I feel so helpless, nothing  to talk to but myself, my thoughts and my prayers..I once was a smart girl, not on aspects of life but in school. I loved school, everyhting about it..Getting to learn new things especially when I got my dream  course..ECE..Engineering for me was a passion, I could never have been better in any other courses but this one is meant for me. Learning about electronics, its priniciples, doing diagrams understanding current-voltage relationship and the like, all about telecommunications and how each of them are computed to make a good design..I was really a good student. I have passed most of my subjects and there were times I did well..I was a fan of Mathematics, I can easily undestood a mathematical equation and solve it right away..I can study for hours and use the scientific calculator to derived a solution from the problem..

Now..I give a big sigh..After 4 1/2 years in college, including the 6 months review I did for my professional licensure which made it 5 years for my passion in Electronics and Communications Engineering course, now I end up as a Nursing assistant just to survive in this country..Sometimes it makes me feel lonely, but I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I know the Good Lord put me here and blessed me a lot...

The thing is, there are times I can't help but ask myself where has it gone? Why am I here, why is my brain now dead and I cannot remember anything about what I have learned...

I sometimes cry but those tears won't give me back the years I spend working as a call center agent just to earn more money..if I would have been wiser...if I could have been more patient to take low-pay jobs in order to get some experience..if only I would have known,,oh well, they say "nasa huli ang pagsisi"...

Sometimes I wanted to go back, but I have to pay the rent, and now I am building a family..probably if only I could just let my smartness be known to others here...but humility must always comes first...and I don't know where to start..I wanted to think I am a failure but I know, it is not yet the end of the road, I am still young...It is also my fault, nothing to blame but myself, no one forced me to be here..It is because I had fail my love for engineering eversince I started to have a career not related to it..I failed, but I hope I will be able to rise again..someday...somehow...

Last time I remembered saying I wish to be sick because I want to go off from my work, but since I needed the money, I am going to work even I know that the people will get my colds and cough. Its getting worse now on my 2nd day. Cough is getting dry and colds getting heavy. Somehow I managed to treat it with cough syrup and erythromycin..Oh well, just be careful on what you wish for, now I am a bit sick but since I need money for my hubby's arrival I can't go sick cause the hospital's my only job at the moment. I will soon give up Mcdonalds, so I can find another job that quite is pleasing and hopefully my career will be back on track..

I have internet access today via Mom's account. I am doing Pain clinic today which deals with back and the spine. The doctor is not here yet but he will come soon. As a Nursing Assistant, I have to setup and run the clinic. It isn't a difficult job. You never have to use your brains...which sucks...The morning clinic I did I saw the doctor doing some calculus on a piece of paper with all the variables of dx and dy he used as well as the integral sign and the zero-infinite calculations...I was really surprise why the heck does he know math? I think it has something to do with the equipment he is using, which is a Vitalograph.I didn't dare ask..Cause looking at this doctor I know, he wouldn't like me asking him some irrelevant questions...

Now, I need to write about the doctors I have encountered here in MK Hospital. This is the list of my five favorite doctors here in Outpatients Department..Naahh, not really my favorite, they just scare the hell out of me...

1. There is a doctor who would be nice in the early morning, smiling at you and saying hey, it's you again...And then all of a sudden...they will snap...And shouts.."Don't resist me, I said give me what I needed.."..This orthopaedic doctor  I call...SNAPPER...strange as he is..but he has two personalities.He tends to be polite and all of sudden he will be as like Mr.HYDE.

2.There is a doctors who doesn't speak at all not unless spoken, he continues on with the clinic and sees follow up orthopaedic patients for 3 minutes and a maximum of 5 minutes. HE doesn't mind who he's working with and says thank you after you've helped him, but he still look scary..I call him the SILENCER.

3. There is a doctor who never speak to you in nice way, who always shout because he is stressed. He never will go down on your level as nurse and thinks highly of himself, he will only calm himself he has black coffee, but he's a very good orthopaedic doctor though...I call him GRUMPIER.

4. This doctor works on dermatology, he doesn't  look at your face or eyes. He only likes the people he knows who does the clinic all the time. There was a time he told a nurse that she wasn't competent enough, and had her in tears, just where he wants her..In shame and feeling insecured..It happened twice. He never changed though he's good at what he does, yet I think he doesn;t like nurses..i mean not all...I call him GRUMPIEST, because he scares the heck out of me...

5. The last of them, I worked with in the Respiratory clinic..He demands everything and he tells you to do this and that. He doesnt want to be asked as his line earlier "I am not asking them, I am telling them"..I think this doctor won't go down as well with people not the same he is..I call him DEMANDING..

I have been trying to get into the site for my daily blogs but as you can see, my mind's not clear. I have been busy for a few weeks because I had been completing my documents and now my hubby submitted it yesterday to the British embassy. The process for application is far easier now than it is before when I applied for my tourist visa. The lady in the front desk told him that he needs to wait 15 days and if we don't hear from them it's better to get in touch. I don't know but 15 days? is it really that fast? But to top all of that, we always argue all about things over the phone, he seems so weak at times and he tends to lose the grip when he doesnt understand what I am saying. I, as well, lose my patience over telling him the same things over and over again..so we clashed...I will never forget what he told me "Pasensya na, mahina utak ng asawa mo" duh...i said, what's that suppose to mean..sometimes I doubt him, sometimes I am so wanting him to learn, yet he acts like a kid without any efforts because he thinks I am there to do things for him..sometimes I believe that he is the man of my dreams..yet, these are the times that I wanted to be with him, there are times I feel that I wanted to left alone and just turn back time so I can have a bit more. Do I deserve to have less and become what I am now. I don't want to feel this emotions..it is not good..my hubby deserves the best. But I think I deserve more..I wanted to cry, yesterday I was happy and excited...I don't exactly know why?????

Suddenly it came into me..a question..Do you really love me?? And he was upset...why are you asking me this question..Is it something you wanted to tell me..no..I am not doing anything bad..I just wanted to know...but he was mad and put the phone down..without him answering the questions I wanted him to answer with sweetness and assurance that I am as lucky as any other girl could be..Why do I compare? Why do I feel? I am really pissed off, yet so sad I wanted to just tell him to do things and I hope he make some efforts...

Happy Valentine's day to all couples...